Separation changes the emotional and practical structure of a family.
Children may need additional reassurance and support while adjusting to two households, new routines and changes in their relationships with their parents.
Sometimes, however, those roles become reversed.
Instead of the parent supporting the child, the child begins taking responsibility for the parent's emotional or practical needs.
This dynamic is commonly referred to as parentification.
Parentification is not itself a particular cause of action under Alberta family law. However, the behaviour associated with it can become relevant in parenting disputes where it affects a child's emotional well-being, relationships or ability to remain outside the parents' conflict.
What Is Parentification?
Parentification generally refers to a situation where a child assumes responsibilities or emotional roles that would ordinarily belong to an adult.
There are different ways this can occur.
Emotional Parentification
A child may become:
- a parent's confidant;
- emotional support person;
- mediator between parents;
- messenger;
- source of reassurance;
- protector; or
- person responsible for managing a parent's feelings
A parent might tell a child details about the separation and expect the child to provide comfort or validation.
Practical Parentification
A child may also assume excessive practical responsibilities, such as caring for younger siblings or managing household responsibilities beyond what would reasonably be expected given the child's age and circumstances.
Age-appropriate chores and helping family members are not automatically parentification.
The concern is whether the child is carrying responsibilities that interfere with the child's own developmental and emotional needs.
How Can Parentification Develop During Separation?
Separation can create loneliness, anger, financial stress and uncertainty for adults.
Without intending harm, a parent may begin relying heavily on a child.
For example:
“My lawyer says your dad is trying to take you away from me.”
“I don't know what I'm going to do when you're at your mother's house.”
“You're the only person I can talk to.”
“Tell me exactly what happened at Dad's this weekend.”
Statements like these can place an adult emotional burden on a child.
Why Can Parentification Be Harmful?
Children should be free to have relationships with their parents without feeling responsible for protecting either one.
A parentified child may begin believing that:
- spending time with the other parent is disloyal;
- they must protect one parent;
- they are responsible for a parent's happiness;
- they need to monitor the other household;
- they must help resolve the legal dispute; or
- expressing their own needs will hurt a parent
This can create anxiety, guilt and divided loyalties.
Is Parentification the Same as Parental Alienation?
No.
The concepts can sometimes overlap, but they should not automatically be treated as interchangeable.
Parentification describes an inappropriate reversal of emotional or practical roles.
Parental alienation generally refers to allegations that a child's resistance or rejection of one parent has been improperly influenced.
Parentification may contribute to alignment with one parent in some cases, but its presence does not automatically establish alienation.
Can Parentification Affect a Parenting Case?
Potentially.
Under the Divorce Act, parenting decisions are based only upon the child's best interests.
Relevant considerations include the child's needs and stability, relationships, views and preferences, history of care, each parent's ability to meet the child's needs, the parents' ability to communicate and cooperate, and family violence where applicable.
The child's physical, emotional and psychological safety, security and well-being receive primary consideration.
Conduct that places inappropriate emotional responsibility on a child may therefore become relevant if it affects those interests.
Protecting Children From Parental Conflict
The Divorce Act also imposes duties on parties to family proceedings, including a duty to protect children from conflict arising from the proceeding.
Parents should therefore consider carefully how they discuss the separation around their children.
Children generally do not need to know:
- litigation strategy;
- allegations contained in affidavits;
- detailed financial disputes;
- what one parent's lawyer said about the other;
- adult relationship grievances; or
- which parent is supposedly “winning.”
Signs a Child May Be Carrying Too Much Emotional Responsibility
Potential warning signs can include a child who:
- constantly worries about a parent's emotional state;
- feels guilty leaving a parent;
- believes they must solve disputes;
- repeats adult legal or financial language;
- monitors one household for the other;
- takes responsibility for siblings beyond age-appropriate expectations;
- appears afraid to express affection for the other parent; or
- feels responsible for deciding the parenting schedule
These signs do not establish a legal conclusion by themselves.
Context matters.
What Should Parents Do Instead?
Parents can reduce the risk of parentification by maintaining clear adult-child boundaries.
Tell children:
“You don't need to solve this.”
“Both of your parents love you.”
“The adults will make the adult decisions.”
“You don't need to take sides.”
Children can be heard without being given responsibility for the outcome.
What If the Other Parent Is Parentifying the Child?
Respond carefully.
Accusing the other parent directly through the child usually makes the situation worse.
Instead:
- document legitimate concerns;
- keep communications child-focused;
- avoid retaliatory behaviour;
- maintain appropriate boundaries yourself;
- consider counselling or professional support where appropriate; and
- obtain legal advice if the behaviour is significantly affecting the child or parenting arrangement
Speak With an Edmonton Family Lawyer
High-conflict separations can gradually pull children into adult disputes without either parent initially recognizing what is happening.
Where parentification is affecting parenting arrangements or a child's relationship with either parent, early intervention may help prevent the problem from becoming more entrenched.
Ulasi Law Group assists Edmonton and Alberta families with complex parenting disputes, parental alienation allegations, children's views, assessments and parenting orders.
This article is general legal information and is not legal advice.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does parentification mean?
Parentification generally describes a role reversal where a child assumes emotional or practical responsibilities that would ordinarily belong to an adult.
Is asking a child to do chores parentification?
Not ordinarily. Age-appropriate household responsibilities are different from placing excessive adult responsibilities on a child.
Is parentification parental alienation?
Not necessarily. The concepts describe different dynamics, although they may overlap in some high-conflict cases.
Can parentification affect parenting arrangements?
Potentially, if the conduct affects the child's best interests, emotional well-being or relationships.
Should children know what is happening in a divorce?
Children should receive age-appropriate information, but parents should generally avoid involving them in litigation strategy and adult conflict.
Can a child still express their views?
Yes. Protecting a child from adult conflict does not mean ignoring their views. Alberta family proceedings have mechanisms for appropriately obtaining children's views.